The Happy Monger

In regard to paying for sex, it took me a few years of practice before I got good at it. Mistakes were made and lessons were learned. Here are some real life stories that might be helpful in relation to paying for sex and looking for love in South East Asia.

Premature Cohabitation

Not premature ejaculation. I can’t help with that problem. Maybe think about your grandmother? Perhaps think about Jeff Bezos’s appalling girlfriend who is more than 50 percent silicone by weight.

The actual subject at hand is falling for a bar girl before you get to know the real person behind the makeup. Here’s an example. Following a brutal divorce, a Western guy emerges at the far end of the tunnel, free again, but feeling dazed and confused. He decides to move to Bangkok and give the deep emotional and financial wounds a chance to heal.

Soon after arriving, he meets a bar girl. Compared to his former partner back home, this girl is half the age, half the weight and twice the sex. Feeling exhilarated and intoxicated by his apparent good fortune, he quickly asks her to move in with him. Have you heard this one before? I think we can all predict how it goes downhill from there. I’ve seen it happen with many guys.

The guy had a heart of gold, so in addition to generously supporting her, he also treated her five year old daughter as if was his own child. And then the truth was gradually revealed. She was actually a lesbian. She only used men for financial support. She secretly had a girlfriend in her real relationship.

Take your time and choose wisely. Just because she is eager to suck your dick three and a half times a day, it doesn’t mean that she is the one. She’s just an expert at sucking dicks.

Try to Live out Your Fantasies

A sweet and lovely Bangkok escort told me a story about a fantasy come true that put me on the floor. A customer hired her for a one week trip to Europe. They flew together on the plane in business class. These days, in business class, many airlines provide a fully enclosed, flat bed suite with a closing door. The walls are just about shoulder high, so a good amount of privacy is provided. When the lights were dimmed after the dinner service, the two of them squeezed into one suite and proceeded to have mile high sex.

The flight attendant noticed, but did not intervene. It probably made her horny as well. It certainly aroused me when I heard the story. This has been a dream of mine for my entire adult life. But sadly, it will probably never happen for me, for multiple reasons.

And that’s not the end of the story. She is a naturally horny lady. On the way home, she was on her own in economy class. She was in the back of the plane, and her row was mostly empty. She covered herself in a blanket, pulled down her panties and proceeded to pleasure herself. Such a wonderful orgasm addict.

After hearing her intimate story, I was inspired to hire her for the next 24 hours, and we pretended that we were on an airplane. It is ironic that some sex workers are living the life that we men can only dream of.

Here is my other fantasy. When I enter a Gentleman’s club, every woman in the lobby immediately drops her panties to the floor around her ankles. This fantasy actually happens, to a degree. When I visit Hunny Bunny, my favorite Bangkok nuru massage establishment, the girls generally know me and they know what I like. I just silently make a pulling motion with my hands and they all know what to do. It’s like magic.

Bar Girl Rule #1 : Telling the Truth is Counterproductive

I’m equipped with a standard issue, generic white guy dick; six inches. Six and a half on a good day. It’s really quite ordinary, but the massage girls tend to compliment me on it. Of course they have to say this. This is one of the first lessons they learn in Bar Girl University. Make the customer feel that he is special. It would be counterproductive for them to tell the truth. “You want a deep throat blow job? No problem. Your dick is so small, I can easily put all of it in my mouth without gagging”. After hearing those words, it would get even smaller.

If she says that the guy that just delivered her to the bar on a moto is her brother, not her boyfriend, take it under consideration.

If she says that she might be willing to have sex with you, but she needs a few more days to think about it, consider that to be a “no”. The truth is that she just wants lady drinks and tips. For many women, yes means maybe, maybe means no, and no means hell no.

If she says, “This my young sister, you want to try her?”, don’t get too excited. “Sister” can mean many things. It could be her second cousin, it could be her friend, or maybe, just maybe it could actually be her younger sister.

If she says that you can go bareback, but with other customers she always uses a condom, don’t believe her for a second. See above; Bar Girl University.

If she clings to you like a wet leaf on a window, she is sending a message to the other girls in the bar, “Stay away, this one belongs to me.” It could also mean that her mom needs a new refrigerator.

Don’t Hesitate To Be Specific

All experienced bar girls know that a tight pussy is a hot commodity. And a nineteen year old turbo babe who likes to exercise and has never had a baby is likely to have a blissfully tight pussy. So I don’t dilly dally. I just ask immediately. “How old are you? Do you have any children? Do you work out?” They are never offended by this question, because they well know the value and negotiating power of a clenching coochie. Sometimes the young lady can read my mind, and she will jokingly reply, “Don’t worry, I have a small pussy.”

But I have been surprised on a few occasions. Sometimes the 40 year old single mom is tighter than the 20 year old with no children. One woman who admitted that she was 46 had a remarkably tight pussy. She claimed that she did 100 pussy clenching reps each morning. I tend to believe her, judging from the impressively firm grip that she demonstrated. And it wasn’t just tight at the opening, as is the case with most women. It was tight all the way from top to bottom.

Good Sex is Good Health

Good sex is good exercise. This a virtuous cycle, as exercise leads to good health, and this leads to better sex, and more sex. One 37 year old Bangkok sex worker with a remarkably fit body told me that her only exercise is sex, an impressive three times a day on average.

I find that when I have more sex, I have less beer. This is also a virtuous cycle. I truly believe that it’s adding many healthy years to my life.

When the Money is Gone, So is the Girl

A guy that I know was convicted in the US of financial fraud, and spent 15 long years in jail. He was born in Cambodia, but immigrated to the US as a child, along with his Cambodian parents. Upon his release from jail, the US government decided to revoke his citizenship and deport him to Cambodia.

This is like hell saying, “We just don’t like you, so we are deporting you to Heaven.”

He arrived in Phnom Penh with $8,000 in his pocket. He had not felt the touch of a naked woman for fifteen lonely years, so he had a lot of catching up to do. Gambling is legal in Cambodia, so after a month of sex, drinking and gambling, the money was gone and so were all the horny girls. Cambodia has no social safety net. In Cambodia, your family is your backup plan, and his was seven thousand miles way. Fortunately for him, he spoke Khmer, so he was able to get a job and live a normal life.

It is a painful but useful lesson; when the money is gone, so is the girl. It’s practically a law of nature. Someone really should install a giant flashing red sign in the arrivals terminal of Suvarnabhumi Airport, for the enlightenment of the new guys.

John Bonnaque is a regular contributor. He has written highly readable pieces on sexually transmitted diseases, the science of aging, an awesome threesome, the thrill of the chase, keeping it real, the readership of Rockit Reports, the future of sex, women’s enjoyment of anal sex, his personal experience at Hunny Bunny Massage in Bangkok, and a tale of too many women.