The Awesome Threesome

Following closely on the heels of an imaginative foray into the future of sex and an impromptu inquiry into the readership of Rockit Reports comes the latest from now regular contributor John Bonnaque. Here Herr Bonnaque looks into the various sexual positions involving one man and two women.

Having shared beds with two women on many different occasions over the years I must say that I do share the author’s penchant for seeking out new possibilities in this department. I also admit to having learned a thing or two. Despite my decades of experience I have not heard the term “669” prior to this point. Even if I did apparently participate in it!

In the same spirit of my many musings over the years this piece aims to entertain the reader. As John says, “The humble goal of this essay is to make the reader laugh so hard that beer shoots out of his nose. Let me know if it worked.” Speaking for myself I have to say that I did roundly enjoy reading through John’s latest work. I hope you will feel the same.

How many positions are there?

The short answer is; nobody knows for sure. It’s too many to count. But it’s still fun to try. And like the Hubble Space Telescope, the more we look, the more we find.

To be clear, the subject is the boy-girl-girl threesome, not the sausage party variety. I have no experience in that area, so I’m not qualified to write about it. Although once, I did accidentally get a stiff dick in my mouth, just for one second. It was entirely unexpected, I assure you. The guy with the woodie was just as surprised as I was. Dios Mio.

How, you ask, does one “accidentally” get a stiff dick in their mouth? Getting a fly in your mouth and accidentally swallowing it is understandable. It has happened to many of us. “But John”, you say, “Dicks don’t have wings.” True, but that is a tale for another time.

The Kama Sutra did an admirable job of exploring many of the positions between one man and one woman. But surprisingly, it did not address oral sex or threesomes. That’s probably because it gets so darn complicated. Let’s investigate, although we can only tickle the topic, not give it a full penetration.

Positions and Techniques

There are two subjects here; positions and techniques. An example of a position would be the man on his back, girl A in cowgirl position riding the man, and girl B looking at Facebook on her phone. Oh wait, that’s not called a position, that’s called a failure to communicate. A real example of a position would be a girl A in cowgirl, and girl B hugging girl A from behind, with her hands roaming all over the body of girl A.

Techniques mainly consist of combinations of multiple moves. Like a Olympic gymnastics combination; round off–back hand spring—double back flip, but naked. This essay will be a wholesome mix of both.

Speaking of techniques, at times I have wondered, how many ways can you spread your semen? I’ve seen porn videos where a guy manages to spray three girls in the face, in a single money shot. This is impressive. I’ve also seen videos where a guy cums inside of two girls, doggy style. But I have never seen a video where the superhero manages to cum in both mouths and both coochies. I suspect that this is impossible. Let me know if you have seen it happen. If you’ve done it, you deserve some kind of prize.

The Basic Positions

Double missionary, tag team BJ, double doggie, cowgirlgirl. These are all self explanatory, all are good clean fun, and all are United Nations approved.

669

This is currently my favorite position. The man lies on his back. Girl A gives him a blow job. Girl B sits on the guy’s face. All three partners are continuously in on the fun. My usual procedure is that the girl on top is allowed to have only one orgasm. Once she comes, this is the signal for the two girls to swap positions. This continues, up and down, until both girls have had enough, and collapse on the bed for some rest before the next round. An advantage of this technique is that the girls stay happy and horny. Another plus is that after a few minutes of vigorously sucking a salami, any girl will start to complain that her jaw hurts. 669 allows each girl to take a break every few minutes from the strenuous oral workout, and receive a well earned face sitting orgasm.

Double Missionary

This is plain vanilla missionary, but with two scoops of vanilla ice cream instead of one. The male alternates between girls as often as needed. The disadvantage is that the girl on standby is not getting properly stimulated. I try to keep one finger on her clitoris, to keep her ice cream from melting. Another problem is that when it time for the man to release his whipped cream, you have to pick just one cherry. I tried to bunny hop, mid orgasm to the other girl, but this was a messy food failure.

The Cheating Boyfriend

The girl that I focus my attention on plays the role of the innocent girlfriend. I have a pillow talk conversation with her and hold her hand. She pretends that she doesn’t know that my lower half is deep inside my secret mistress. After a few minutes, you can switch, and the other girl gets to be the “girlfriend”. Both girls get a thrill out of this role playing.

The Bait and Switch

The man is on top of Girl A in missionary position. With perfect timing, you pull out at the last second. Girl B is at the ready, waiting eagerly for her vitally important job of suck and swallow. After you have blasted half your load in her mouth, girl A sits up and hungrily takes over to suck and swallow the last few drops.

Back to Back Babes

The girls are lying on their sides, butt to butt and back to back. This helps a lot when the goal is to bounce back and forth quickly between the two coochies. It also makes it possible to semi-comfortably cum inside both girls without getting a muscle cramp or falling off the bed. We don’t want either girl to feel that they were left behind. And no, I’m not making that part up. When you are in a three way relationship, the girls can actually feel a bit jealous if they don’t receive their fair share of semen.

Tips for an Award Winning Threesome

Here are some tips for achieving a successful threesome that will put a smile on your face and give you memories to last a lifetime. It’s mostly about planning ahead:

1. Cultivate a relationship. I understand that this is impossible for the guys that are only in town for a few days. Their game plan is point and shoot, mission accomplished, repeat as often as possible. And this is fine. But if you have the time, and you want an epic, pornographic, bareback, over the top, tag team threesome, you’ll get way more bang for your buck if you are in a three way relationship.
2. Get comprehensive STD tests for all. When all partners know that there is no risk of an unpleasant infection, the girls will become remarkably open minded, willing to try any pretzel bending position that you can dream up.
3. Have an explicit discussion beforehand with the two girls, regarding what uninhibited and hedonistic activities you have in mind. This gives them time to think about it, and discuss it among themselves. For example, everybody naked on the balcony at sunset, drinking Blue Margaritas. This is just for starters. Later you can escalate to the truly outrageous and sinful activities, as they master the skill of riding this three wheeled bicycle.
4. Offer a tip for the special service. These days, my two regular girls more or less beg me to do unspeakable things to them, because they have learned to greatly enjoy it, and they know that they will earn a modest tip for a job well done.
5. Understand that they have the right to say no. Where I live in South East Asia, a surprising percentage of girls are not willing to perform blow jobs at all. I just say ok, and move on to the next girl.

Giving New Meaning to the Phrase “Hand Job”

When you start exploring threesomes, you will soon say to yourself, “Gosh, I’m gonna more need hands.” Two hands for exploring and squeezing girl A, two hands for fondling and stimulating girl B and one hand to hold the beer. Unfortunately, extra hands are hard to come by, unless you are one of those mythical creatures with a dozen arms. As a compromise measure, I encourage the girls to keep their hands busy with the desires of the flesh. And yes, I sometimes have them hold my beer for me and pour it in my mouth.

Extra for Experts: Swapping Bodily Fluids

In a twosome, there are only three possible ways for the bodily fluids to go:

1. Your semen goes on her; COB, COF and CIM.
2. Her sweet and freshly squeezed pussy juice goes all over you. Facesitting and DATY for example.
3. The third way is mixing the juices together; a creampie. That’s it for the twosome. Not much room for outrageous sexual creativity.

In a threesome, it can be far more interesting. And if you’re not swapping fluids in all seven possible directions, then you’re not doing it right. And no, I did not just pull a random number out of my ass. Let’s do the math. Skip this part if you just don’t care.

In electrical engineering, a threesome is politely called a star delta configuration. The blue lines are the delta. This is juice transfer between any two partners. Six possible transfers. The green lines are the star. This is the good stuff where all three partners mix their juices together into one genetic cocktail. Bingo! Seven possible ways to share. Maybe that’s why seven is considered a lucky number.

But that’s enough about science and technology. This essay is supposed to be about sex, filthy dirty sex and even more sex.

“Hold on there cowboy. You ain’t putting that slippery dick in my mouth. Go rinse it off first.” This big red stop sign just doesn’t happen in porn or in a properly executed threesome. The lucky penis wanders freely from one hole to the next hole to the next with no loss of momentum. No cleanup required, no change of condoms. This relates back to the earlier subject of planning ahead.

What About a Foursome?

Please don’t ask me about a foursome, as in boy-girl-girl-girl. We would need a supercomputer on our team to figure that one out. Really, really skip this part if you don’t think that higher dimensional geometry is downright sexy. Here goes. The threesome drawing above can be interpreted as a three dimensional pyramid, as seen from above. This is called a tetrahedron. There is a four dimensional equivalent of a tetrahedron, called a pentachoron. This impossible to visualize object might possibly represent all the ways to swap fluids between four partners. I tried to work it out, but the math got messy and sticky, figuratively speaking.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“How can I bang you… and you too? Let me count the ways.”

I encourage comments on your favorite threesome positions. I have covered only a few, so please add yours to the list. I promise to immediately try them out on my girls.