Sexually Transmitted Diseases and How to Get One

It’s no secret that the most effective method for acquiring a sexually transmitted disease is to have unprotected sex with a bar girl or professional sex worker that you have just met.  If you’re lucky, you can pick up more than one, all in one go.

Of course, I’m being satirical here.  Unprotected sex with a pro is a supremely bad idea. If she is willing to have unprotected sex with you without hesitation, then she probably did the same thing yesterday with three other guys. In a sense, you’re getting sloppy seconds. From a longer term perspective, you’re getting sloppy one hundreds. And it ain’t cheap.

When I meet a cheerful young lady in the bar and I feel an attraction to her, I will always tell her, “Let’s meet tomorrow and go to the clinic for a blood test.  If all clear, then we can have sex.” Surprisingly, the lady is actually eager to go, since I’m paying for it.

I’ve been doing this for years, and on two occasions, the lady actually tested positive for HIV.  

When the doctor presented the bad news to her, my first thought was extreme sympathy for the stricken young lady.  She was only 21 and was shocked to find out that her life had just been irrevocably changed for the worse.  I got weak in the knees, even though we had never had sex.

My second thought was, wow, I just dodged a bullet to the head.  According to medical studies, for a male having unprotected vaginal sex with a female, hundreds of exposures are usually required before the man will become infected. But I have no desire to take that chance.

For this lady, the story was doubly sad, because she was infected by her former European boyfriend.  He was from an advanced country, where sex education is standard.  This was criminal behavior on his part to callously have unprotected sex with an uneducated girl from a third world country. He knew better, but he did it anyway. I have in mind a suitable punishment for him, but I will not mention it here.

In the case of the second lady, she did not seem to be surprised by the positive test result.  She probably already knew, but chose not to tell me.  Once again, my rigorous adherence to due diligence allowed me to duck and dodge the bullet.

But on the positive side, which is 90 percent of the time, the lady receives an okay from the clinic, and we immediately head for the nearest hotel to have unprotected sex without fear or regret.  

I should mention that I get tested alongside her in the clinic.  I do this for two reasons.  Firstly, it reassures her that I am clean.  Secondly, it is to educate her and set an example of how to stay safe.  If she’s going to go bareback, she should insist that the man get a checkup first. Sadly, when the girl is eager for love or money, this cautionary advice is often discarded on the side of the road on the way to the hotel.

A clean bill of health. This is what you want to see. Happy times ahead for you and your new lady friend.

How the F**K Do You Spell Gonorrhea?

In the last twenty years, I have contracted gonorrhea three times. In the same span of time, I have had food poisoning perhaps ten times. The discomfort of gonorrhea is nothing compared to the mind bending misery caused by a plate of bad shrimp. Given a choice between the two, I’ll take the gonorrhea, thank you very much. In each case, the infection was easily cured by a single injection of antibiotic and a five day course of oral medication. Spelling it is harder than curing it.

So how did it get it if I am always so careful? In the first case, it was purely a failure of the rural clinic to diagnose the condition. In the second case, the girl had oral gonorrhea. In my experience, the clinics in Southeast Asia are unequipped to diagnose this condition. In the third case, it was bad timing. She was tested and was clean. But before I could find the time to have sex with her, she contracted gonorrhea by having unprotected sex with her local boyfriend, a fact that she failed to disclose to me.

Syphilis Is Confusing But Not Life Threatening

The usual test for Syphilis is an antibody test. It does not directly test for the bacterium. A commonly used antibody test is called VDRL. Direct testing for the bacterium is more difficult, and most hospitals are not equipped to do this test.

Here’s a quote from Wikipedia:

The first-line treatment for uncomplicated syphilis (primary or secondary stages) remains a single dose of intramuscular benzathine benzylpenicillin. The bacterium is highly vulnerable to penicillin when treated early, and a treated individual is typically rendered non-infective in about 24 hours.

Following the injection of penicillin, the doctor might say, “Come back in six months for a follow up blood test.” You are left wondering what is going on. The infection is cured in 24 hours. Why wait six months?

What the doctor failed to explain is that the level of antibodies in the blood will remain high for months, long after the patient has been cured. If you get retested one month after treatment, you will still test positive, but this will be a false positive. In the case of one of my lady friends, she tested positive for syphilis and was treated with penicillin. We then waited one month before having unprotected sex, just to be safe. But it took nearly a year for her antibody level to decline to the point where she actually tested negative.

A positive test result for Syphillis. No cause for alarm. It’s easily cured.

Let’s play doctor

The lady friend above and I often go out to the bar together. On one occasion, I invited a young lady who was working there to have a drink with us. I soon noticed that she had red spots on the palms of both hands. I asked to see the soles of her feet. She was puzzled, but agreed to my request. Indeed, she had the same red spots on the soles of her feet. I knew what this meant; it was a clear sign of Syphilis.

Since my lady friend had already been through this experience, I asked her to break the news to the new girl. We reassured her that it was not life threatening. She agreed to go to the clinic as soon as she had enough money to pay for it. Eventually it was a happy ending. No, not the kind of happy ending where you take your pants off. She got tested and treated and was soon back in the game. That kind of happy ending.

The Various Flavors of STD’s

Here’s a list of common STD’s, in my estimated order of severity, from really bad to no worse than a mosquito bite.

1. HIV
2. Hepatitis C
3. Hepatitis B
4. Genital Warts
5. Syphilis
6. Gonorrhea
7. Herpes
8. Hepatitis A
9. Chlamydia

I would like to add some details about each STD above, but I’m not a doctor. So I should probably avoid dispensing medical information. Look it up on Wikipedia if you want to know more.

The analogy with a mosquito bite is a good one. Because even a common mosquito bite can be fatal, in the case of Malaria or Dengue fever. But most of the time, it’s just a minor irritation, barely noticed today and gone tomorrow. I will take precautions, but I will not remain indoors for the rest of my life, just because of a pesky mosquito.

John Bonnaque is a regular contributor. He has written highly readable pieces on an awesome threesome, the thrill of the chase, the readership of Rockit Reports, the future of sex, women’s enjoyment of anal sex, his personal experience at Hunny Bunny Massage in Bangkok, and a tale of too many women.