Who reads Rockit Reports?

The following is a guest post by regular reader John Bonnaque. He originally raised the idea of this post in a comment an I encouraged him to elaborate further. John has produced an entertaining piece here that I trust you will enjoy.

Since I am privy to the analytical data on this website’s traffic I should make a note. Rockit Reports has been viewed by tens of millions of people since going online in late 2012. Yet at most a few thousand people have ever taken the time to comment here.

This is not to dismiss those who have commented and made contributions. I appreciate that greatly! I simply want to point out that the number of people who actually weigh in on a subject like this may vastly pale in comparison to the total number of people who read it. – Rockit

The Demographics of Rockit Reports

A lifetime ago, Playboy magazine posed the question, “What kind of man reads Playboy?”

These days, Playboy magazine deserves a final resting place in the Smithsonian museum, in a nitrogen filled display case. IE, no man reads Playboy. Given their demise, perhaps the relevant question today is, “What kind of man reads Rockit Reports?”

So what kind of men are they? Where do they sit on the economic spectrum? First point; chasing tail is an expensive pastime. Perhaps the readers are CEO’s, entrepreneurs and so on. Or possibly trust fund babies. Personally, my booty budget is $2,000 per month, and I live in South East Asia, where the price of said booty is mercifully low. I can’t imagine how much it costs to be a sugar daddy in the USA.

Second point; the comments in Rockit reports are surprisingly well written, informative and downright choke on an olive funny. Even those commenters who are not fluent in English manage to write very amusing tales of their slippery dickery exploits. During recent Covid imposed air travel restrictions, I was reading Rockit Reports while flying in first class. I laughed so hard that the guy in the next suite complained to the lovely flight attendant that I was making too much noise. I distracted myself by imagining my attentive, long legged flight attendant wearing transparent PPE and nothing else. Mr complainer guy has probably never heard of Rockit Reports.

So, RRR (Rockit Report Readers) have money, are articulate, and appear to be a fun bunch of guys. Understandably, these readers must remain anonymous. We must fly low and avoid the radar. A reader survey will never happen. But if it could happen, here are a few questions from that improbable survey:

1. How much do you spend per month on casual sex?
2. How long have you been at it?
3. Happy with the results?
4. How do you travel to the places that provide blessed relief?
(a) Me and my genitals live there.
(b) I travel frequently for business.
(c) I take a holiday whenever I can get away from my soul destroying job in my sexual wasteland of a country.

Time versus Money

We’re still on the subject of demographics. Let’s explore the question a bit more, in the area of time versus money. Money is required, but one also needs the time to spend it and the freedom to go to a Bangkok bar without the fear of being recognized.

Jay Leno likes to boast that he is the president of the “More Money than Brains” club. In the case of Rockit Report readers, my guess is that it is a problem of enough money but not enough time or opportunity to spend it. Let’s start with an example from the absolute top end.

Jeff Bezos has more money than the Pope, but tragically, he will never know the thrill of Nana Plaza. He would be recognized faster than a bar girl can finish a watered down lady drink. But just imagine the audacity if he could actually venture out. “I’ll take every girl in Nana Plaza. Meet me at my penthouse in one hour. And y’all need to be naked.”
Jay Leno likely has the same problem. Instead of changing the oil in his harem of cars, he could be lubing up real women. But the inevitability of being recognized makes that impossible for him. Let me know if anyone spots the Pope at Nana plaza.

Improbable survey, next question:
5. How would you rate yourself on the time versus money scale?
(a) I’ve plenty of time, but ever since 1999, bar girls stopped giving free blow jobs.
(b) I’ve plenty of time, but due to lack of use, my twig is about to fall off the tree.
(c) Almost enough money, and almost enough free time.
(d) Plenty of money, but no time to put it to good use.
(e) Enough money, but I can’t risk being seen with a g-string wearing bar girl grinding on my lap.

Only a fortunate few can claim the ideal situation of lots of time and money and no worries about being recognized. I think this is quite rare. The more realistic goal is a balance between the two.

In Praise of the Awesome Threesome

For me, a well executed threesome with two open minded girls is possibly the best sexual experience of all. I enjoy it so much that I cannot think clearly. “Ok, girl 1, you sit on my cock. Girl 2, you suck my dick. Oh wait, that doesn’t work. Dang it, why is this so hard?” It takes a lot of advance planning to make it fun and carefree for all. Covid tests, STD tests and the occasional emergency vasectomy. Communication between all three partners is vital, so everyone knows in advance which part will go where. “Ok, your part goes on her part, and my part goes here…”

Survey question:
6. A threesome is even better than:
(a) Winning a tax dispute with the IRS.
(b) Finding out that she’s not actually pregnant.
(c) Finding a girlfriend that never asks you for money.
(d) (fill in your own answer)

Which works Better for you, Viagra or a Threesome?

Every morning, I wake up with a woodie. This is reassuring as I get older. Good to know that the hardware still works. Yet when I get in bed with a slightly drunk horny bunny, it takes some persuasion to get the little guy to wake up. In my case, the cure for a limp dick is a threesome.

Survey Question:
7. What gets you going?
(a) I don’t need help, I’m horny as a goat all the time.
(b) Multiple naked women with smooth shaved vulvas in bed with me.
(c) Viagra
(d) Sock puppet
(e) Reading Rockit Reports

Beer Versus Sex

When I was in my 20’s, I had zero beer and even less sex. Those days are thankfully long gone. Now the available supply of beer and sex is more than I can possibly consume. My cup runneth over. However, this overabundance does cause a troublesome dilemma.

As Shakespeare wrote of drink, “it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance”.

So here comes the final improbable survey question:
8. What do you like more, beer or sex?
(I’ve run out of snappy answers, so please provide your own)

What About the Bar Girls?

Rockit Reports is also about the women. Those hard working bar girls who tirelessly promote world peace through sloppy blowjobs. What are their demographics?

I have a theory on this. Consider a bell curve distribution of intelligence. An intelligent girl realizes that she can make a lot of money working in the bar, if she can avoid the pitfalls of STD’s, abusive customers, and alcoholism. And if she’s really good, she could win the boyfriend lottery, and score an expat husband who treats her well. Alternatively, she could work in a sewing factory, rise to the level of supervisor, and make perhaps $800 per month. Or work in the bar, and make $2,000 per month. Some smart girls choose the latter profession.

At the other end of the bell curve, the least talented, least educated girls will also work in the bar, by default. Average girls will find themselves in the normal workplace, making an average salary. In statistics, it’s called a bimodal distribution.

Playboy magazine started in 1953 and withered away during the last 20 years. Let’s call it 50 good years. So here’s a toast to Rockit Reports. May you remain entertaining for the next 50 years!