The holiday season is here. While all the little ones draw up their wish lists for Santa’s impending visit, I figured I’d draw one up of my own. The following are sex shops I’d like to see brought into existence. I admit that a lot of these are just modifications of shops that are already around, but I think they represent major improvements nonetheless.
1. Front and Back Bars – These would operate a lot like blowjob bars with the exception that the oral action would only be a prelude to the real fun. After getting the customer up and ready, the service providers at these shops would then slide a condom over the shaft with their lips, lube up, turn around, and sit down on the waiting member. Sounds like nothing more than getting a little extra mile at a BJ bar you say? Wrong. The name of the game here would be backdoor bumping. That’s right, straight from the pie hole to the brown eye. I don’t think public activities would be very fitting for this kind of shop, so the events would have to transpire in booths like they do at some of the pickle polishing pubs that host the action upstairs. Some sort of facilities for washing up would be required.
2. Strip and Suck Shows – These shops would work a lot like New Hot Point in Tokyo and similar peep shows with extras. The difference here would be that customers could get sucked or jerked off by service providers while watching the show, rather then waiting for it to finish. This would have the added benefit of giving some of the less attractive women in the BJ bar market more productive work. Surely they could pull in (and pull off) more customers if there was some top notch eye candy jiggling around on stage. I think anyone would agree that this would beat staring at a stained ceiling covered in old spider webs and various unidentifiable substances while getting blown. It would also allow for some more attractive women to work who are up for dancing nude but not providing extras. It would be a win for everyone!
3. Ball Barber – Yes, I know there are “spas” where you can get your body hair ripped out at the roots for an exorbitant amount of money. As with pubic hair removal in general I’m not very interested in those places, especially after this terrible experience. Unless I find a spa that operates like this, there’s a very good chance I’ll never step foot in any of them (and even if I do find one like that, I probably still won’t). So what am I talking about here? I’m talking about a place where a guy could go, drop his drawers, kick his feet up on something and lay back while an attendant grooms his undercarriage. That would be finished by a lubed up handie and then a shampoo and rinse in a waist-high sink. Sounds great right? There are rumored to be two beauty salons around Sukhumvit in Bangkok that will trim your bush for a fee but alas I’ve never found them. If the shop of my dreams cannot become a reality, I’d be satisfied enough with the Macau saunas adding pube pruning to their list of services. Why not? They offer everything from ear cleaning to cock and ball massages as it stands.
4. Rubber Rooms – I’m not talking about insane asylums, though at least some of the punters I’ve encountered in my travels could probably benefit from those. Here I’m talking about show rooms selling all types of condoms available, from all over the world. In other words a sort of rain hat emporium. The special feature here would be booths where customers could try different varieties of rubbers out to see which one they liked best. They’d be assisted in their shopping by female attendants who would help them find the proper prophylactics for their peckers. These ladies would make money from sales commissions and tips. The owners would make money from room fees and sales. Sounds amazing, am I right?
5. Pro-Teen Agogo – This would be a lot like the other go go bars out there except that the staff would be made up entirely of 19 year old women. Imagine that. Sure they’d only have one year to work but they could make a lot more money then they might mixed in with everyone else in the other bars, and they could simply move on to other locations after they age out of the system. The only problem I see with this model is fitting all the customers inside the place. A sure winner.
And there you have it. Do your wishes match with any of mine? If so there sadly isn’t much we can do about it. The trend seems to be for more condensed and conservative shops around the world, with the exception of Japan which takes perverted inventiveness to new heights each and every time a modification needs to be made to tap into a new market or get around a regulation or crackdown.
Maybe if a few of my readers are sitting on stacks of money they’d like to invest in the sex shops of the future we could make at least one of these a reality. Don’t worry, I won’t hold my breath.
Thankfully a lot of really fun stuff does exist. I’ll continue reporting on it here. Watch this space.