Review: Balls Balm — Good for burning your balls off

Balls balm bare balm

Notice the high quality “application sticks,” good for ice cream, not so much for lathering your scrotum up with this acid they try to pawn off as a “balm.”

Should men remove their pubic hair? The answer to this age old question depends largely on who you are, where you are, and more than anything, who you ask. I tried to address the subject the best way I knew how to do in a previous post wittily titled Should you shave your pubes?

Despite the fact that I was wise enough back then to write “there are risks associated with taking clippers, hot wax or a razor to your nether regions” in that masterpiece of an entry, I went on to try out a new product I came across that promised to leave my ball bag bare with minimal hassle. What a mistake.

BallsBalm (not to be confused with Bum & Ball Balm) is some sort of chemical concoction theoretically designed to remove the hair from your twig and berries without the need for a razor. Think of it as Nair for your nether regions, a characteristic which should have served as my initial warning.

I first spotted BallsBalm in some featured item box at an online retailer where the whole “Bare Pair King Kombo” kit was on sale for a mere fifteen dollars. That should have been my second warning.

The product seemed novel and had a good number of 5 star reviews. Since I was already ordering enough from the site to score free shipping, I threw in the kit just to see what it was all about. I didn’t bother with anything that might waste my time, like say oh checking the 1 star reviews. That would have been my third warning, but I was much too busy doing more important things like watching women stick huge lubed up dildos up their asses on Chaturbate.

It wasn’t long before the product arrived. I couldn’t help but notice that it all looked a lot fancier on the website. I was sent two tubes of cream, two tongue depressors and a glove that looks like it came out of a dollar store discount bin or a Michael Jackson Halloween costume kit. Was I a victim of clever marketing? For the first time in my entire life I was starting to feel that way. It hit a hell of a lot harder later as you’ll see.

I didn’t use the product for the first few days. Finally I felt ready to give it a go. I opened the plastic bag and pulled out the direction sheet. What’s this? You should test out the cream on a body part that isn’t sensitive. Let it sit for no more than then minutes than remove it with a shower and the glove. Sounded okay to me. I’d rather have a small sore spot on my leg than a beat red ball bag. I applied a small amount to my leg with the enclosed sticks, which itself was quite a feat, and waited. After nine minutes I jumped in the shower and washed it off, giving a rub with the glove.

The balm broke up the hairs where I applied it. I had to give quite a rub with the glove, but eventually the majority of the now-brittle hairs rubbed off. It wasn’t beautiful, but it was just a test. The test succeeded. I figured it was safe to move on to the family jewels. Boy was I wrong.

The cream is thick, white, and stinky. It comes out in a steady stream but breaks up easily. Trying to apply it to your sack with the enclosed sticks is a nightmare. After about a minute I gave up and just applied it by hand. Once I covered my entire change purse front and back, I sat perched at the end of a wooden chair with my boys hanging over the side waiting for 8 or 9 minutes to go by.

About two minutes in I noticed that my pouch was starting to tingle. I figured that was normal. It is a chemical after all. About a minute or two later the tingle turned into a light sting. One minute more and it was definitely stinging. That should have been my fourth and final warning but I figured I’d man up and wait until a full 8 minutes had passed. When the time came I was anxious to get back into the shower.

I cranked up the water and aimed it at my testicles. Once the glove was on I began to grope myself, just as the instructions stated.  No more than ten seconds into that process I felt an excruciating burning sensation. Now I wanted nothing more than to get this stuff off of my sack. The problem was that it was stuck on like a searing, burning napalm from the deepest depth of hell. Right on my change purse!

The more I rinsed the more it hurt. It took quite a while to get all of the cream off and by then even plain old water hurt as bad as battery acid. The skin of my sack was as red as a cherry, and it was covered in numerous small lacerations. I burned my balls and I burned them bad. And that’s not even the worst part; after all was said and done only about 75 percent of the hair was gone!

I spent the next three days in absolute agony. Everything hurt, from wearing underwear to walking to my leg brushing up against my balls when sitting or even sleeping. Pure torture. The only relief came when I would lay on my stomach with a pillow under my stomach so that the air conditioner could blow cold air onto my bag.

If you think I’m making any of this up, head on over to Google and give “ballsbalm burn” a quick search. You’ll see that I’m one among many, a howling chorus of guys who scorched their scrotums with this terrible tar.

Maybe my skin is just sensitive, but I don’t think so. It’s more likely that this cream belongs nowhere near any man’s nads. You can find dozens of horror stories online. I only wish I would have been smart enough to search them out earlier. I will never again apply a chemical to my gonads. I don’t care if I end up with a bush that is thicker and blacker than Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows (more likely I’ll just revert back to the electric trimmer for periodic grooming to keep things in order).

I was scheduled to meet up with a hot young lady only a few hours after baking my balzac, though there was no way that was going to happen after what I had been through. Hell, I could barely even walk over to the phone to cancel. Damn it.

Besides, I doubt she wanted to get involved with a bloody red set of balls. I looked like a dog in heat, and felt even worse.

I give Balls a whopping 0.5 stars, and that’s only because the software this website is based on doesn’t allow me to give it a zero. Balls sucks balls. It’s the worst product I’ve ever used.

Balls Balm review
0.5

14 Comments

  1. ed says:

    That was just hilarious. Really funny tale, but i’m sure not funny at the time.

    • rockit says:

      Thanks. I’m sure it seems funny from afar. That’s one reason I wrote it. The other was to warn potential users of the dangerousness of this terrible product. I’m usually able to laugh at my own failures, but this one is just too painful. Even rereading this post brings pangs to my pink potato pouch. Ouch!

    • It burned my beautiful balls says:

      Not only were my balls burning, but they were bleeding from that glove which ripped open the burned skin. After a trip to the ER, my body is fighting off a blood infection from the nature of this wound. It is tough to suture, or bandage the testicles when heavily burned. They just keep bleeding. 9 days later.

    • rockit says:

      Wow that sounds horrendous. Thanks for reporting. Cheers and here’s to your recovery.

  2. D A says:

    I used it this morning. I had no issues. Did you time it? Did you wait 10 minutes after fully putting the product on? Or 10 minutes from the first moment the first cream hit your sack? I did the latter. I hit the timer on my phone, put the stuff on as quickly as I could, and at 8.5 minutes I jumped into the shower and got it off me. It did a good job but I didn’t cake it on as much as I should have (wanted to go easy first try), so yeah it probably got like 75%. Once I rinsed and rubbed, I put the soothing cream on. Stayed nude for a while and let things settle down. Two hours later and all is well down there. I’m going to wait a week and put on a heavier dosage.

    • rockit says:

      Yes, I followed the directions exactly as labeled. If you check the product page on Amazon you will see dozens of reviews like mine, so clearly I’m not alone. Maybe different people have different reactions, or maybe different batches have different strengths. I don’t know. What I do know is that the stuff I purchased burnt my balls raw. Glad you didn’t have the same troubles. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Cheers!

  3. steve says:

    I used this stuff and worked fine. Little warm but nothing bad.

    • rockit says:

      Thanks for the comment. From the reviews I’ve read it seems that some people have no problems and others have issues like I did. I don’t know if that means there are different batches out there or that people have different tolerances. I do know that I’ll never use the product again. Cheers.

  4. MAxx says:

    Used it with no issues. It is a chemical after all and is not something natural so damage can occur to the skin. Here is the crucial part of your experience that differs from mine:

    “I cranked up the water and aimed it at my testicles. Once the glove was on I began to grope myself, just as the instructions stated. No more than ten seconds into that process I felt an excruciating burning sensation.”

    The chemicals used are reactant to heat, so if you washed in really hot water you only intensified the process. I have a general sense of exothermic reactions, and i realized this about 5 minutes into the process. I decided to wash in cold water to keep the reaction minimal and keep my pores closed. The directions say lukewarm however the term “lukewarm” is perspective based. Lukewarm to you may be scalding to me. It should really say room temp, or even cold.

    I blame your experience on the directions than rather the product. And yes, every one sack is unique – just like everyone’s skin.

    • rockit says:

      Hi. I washed myself in cool water but it didn’t help. I’m certainly not alone. Some 25 of the 123 reviews of the product on Amazon tell similar stories. Here’s what a reviewer said recently: “Before you buy this do a quick test to see if you can handle it. Heat up a frying pan and then set your balls on it for a second. What you are feeling is what you will feel when using the product.” I don’t want to risk burning my balls for any reason even if it is something like “using water that is too warm.” I think that a product like this should be fool proof before it is put on sale. Cheers.

  5. Joel says:

    I’m so glad I read your review, Rocket — this is obviously a product to avoid like the plague.

    I hate public hair and find that shaving leaves ugly stubbles that can itch terribly when you’re walking around. Is there anything out there you know of that’ll remove genital hair effectively, painlessly and safely?

    • rockit says:

      Thanks for the comment. I don’t know of anything that meets all of your criteria. Balls Balm certainly didn’t for me though perhaps it works for someone. In my view its not worth the risk to take chemicals and sharpened metals to my genitals for what amounts to basically no reward. Cheers.

  6. Frank says:

    Yeah big pussy rockit

    • rockit says:

      Based on my experience this stuff probably wouldn’t work well for that either but your mileage may vary. Cheers.

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