Review: Balls Balm — Good for burning your balls off
Should men remove their pubic hair? The answer to this age old question depends largely on who you are, where you are, and more than anything, who you ask. I tried to address the subject the best way I knew how to do in a previous post wittily titled Should you shave your pubes?
Despite the fact that I was wise enough back then to write “there are risks associated with taking clippers, hot wax or a razor to your nether regions” in that masterpiece of an entry, I went on to try out a new product I came across that promised to leave my ball bag bare with minimal hassle. What a mistake.
BallsBalm (not to be confused with Bum & Ball Balm) is some sort of chemical concoction theoretically designed to remove the hair from your twig and berries without the need for a razor. Think of it as Nair for your nether regions, a characteristic which should have served as my initial warning.
I first spotted BallsBalm in some featured item box at an online retailer where the whole “Bare Pair King Kombo” kit was on sale for a mere fifteen dollars. That should have been my second warning.
The product seemed novel and had a good number of 5 star reviews. Since I was already ordering enough from the site to score free shipping, I threw in the kit just to see what it was all about. I didn’t bother with anything that might waste my time, like say oh checking the 1 star reviews. That would have been my third warning, but I was much too busy doing more important things like watching women stick huge lubed up dildos up their asses on Chaturbate.
It wasn’t long before the product arrived. I couldn’t help but notice that it all looked a lot fancier on the website. I was sent two tubes of cream, two tongue depressors and a glove that looks like it came out of a dollar store discount bin or a Michael Jackson Halloween costume kit. Was I a victim of clever marketing? For the first time in my entire life I was starting to feel that way. It hit a hell of a lot harder later as you’ll see.
I didn’t use the product for the first few days. Finally I felt ready to give it a go. I opened the plastic bag and pulled out the direction sheet. What’s this? You should test out the cream on a body part that isn’t sensitive. Let it sit for no more than then minutes than remove it with a shower and the glove. Sounded okay to me. I’d rather have a small sore spot on my leg than a beat red ball bag. I applied a small amount to my leg with the enclosed sticks, which itself was quite a feat, and waited. After nine minutes I jumped in the shower and washed it off, giving a rub with the glove.
The balm broke up the hairs where I applied it. I had to give quite a rub with the glove, but eventually the majority of the now-brittle hairs rubbed off. It wasn’t beautiful, but it was just a test. The test succeeded. I figured it was safe to move on to the family jewels. Boy was I wrong.
The cream is thick, white, and stinky. It comes out in a steady stream but breaks up easily. Trying to apply it to your sack with the enclosed sticks is a nightmare. After about a minute I gave up and just applied it by hand. Once I covered my entire change purse front and back, I sat perched at the end of a wooden chair with my boys hanging over the side waiting for 8 or 9 minutes to go by.
About two minutes in I noticed that my pouch was starting to tingle. I figured that was normal. It is a chemical after all. About a minute or two later the tingle turned into a light sting. One minute more and it was definitely stinging. That should have been my fourth and final warning but I figured I’d man up and wait until a full 8 minutes had passed. When the time came I was anxious to get back into the shower.
I cranked up the water and aimed it at my testicles. Once the glove was on I began to grope myself, just as the instructions stated. No more than ten seconds into that process I felt an excruciating burning sensation. Now I wanted nothing more than to get this stuff off of my sack. The problem was that it was stuck on like a searing, burning napalm from the deepest depth of hell. Right on my change purse!
The more I rinsed the more it hurt. It took quite a while to get all of the cream off and by then even plain old water hurt as bad as battery acid. The skin of my sack was as red as a cherry, and it was covered in numerous small lacerations. I burned my balls and I burned them bad. And that’s not even the worst part; after all was said and done only about 75 percent of the hair was gone!
I spent the next three days in absolute agony. Everything hurt, from wearing underwear to walking to my leg brushing up against my balls when sitting or even sleeping. Pure torture. The only relief came when I would lay on my stomach with a pillow under my stomach so that the air conditioner could blow cold air onto my bag.
If you think I’m making any of this up, head on over to Google and give “ballsbalm burn” a quick search. You’ll see that I’m one among many, a howling chorus of guys who scorched their scrotums with this terrible tar.
Maybe my skin is just sensitive, but I don’t think so. It’s more likely that this cream belongs nowhere near any man’s nads. You can find dozens of horror stories online. I only wish I would have been smart enough to search them out earlier. I will never again apply a chemical to my gonads. I don’t care if I end up with a bush that is thicker and blacker than Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows (more likely I’ll just revert back to the electric trimmer for periodic grooming to keep things in order).
I was scheduled to meet up with a hot young lady only a few hours after baking my balzac, though there was no way that was going to happen after what I had been through. Hell, I could barely even walk over to the phone to cancel. Damn it.
Besides, I doubt she wanted to get involved with a bloody red set of balls. I looked like a dog in heat, and felt even worse.
I give Balls a whopping 0.5 stars, and that’s only because the software this website is based on doesn’t allow me to give it a zero. Balls sucks balls. It’s the worst product I’ve ever used.